I awoke and saw a stalking shadow.
I screamed for a moment and sat up quickly:

I didn't know what it was.

My dog climbed my bed (was trying to climb up my bed)

 and sat curled up shaking--

Ah Sorry, baby, I almost kicked you in the face

fuck me I just had a nightmare!  Where did that come from?  Fuckin Uday Hussein!

a couple nights of cold turkey detox.  way better now.  sleep is good.  last night everytime i would shut my eyes a film-reel would be going through my head, so i couldn't keep my eyes closed.  that was ungood

Here, baby, get on my rocketship

...WWIII is coming

You don't steal from Chad NewBrunswick!

- You know what this is?  It's $100.  You got anything to say for yourself?
- I got a sick grandmother.

- I don't care if you got a sick great-grandmother: You don't steal from Chad NewBrunswick!

- It won't happen again.

- I don't care if it's $20

- Yes, sir.

- I don't care if it's $19

- Yes, sir.

-I don't care if it's $18

- Yes--

-No, listen.. I don't care if it's $17 

- It won't happen again.

-I don't care if it's 16 dammit: You don't steal from Chad NewBrunswick!  Consider this your one and only warning.

- Ok.

- I don't care if it's $15!

- (barkeep) You kinda have to take his battery out.  He does this every night.

-Hello!  Who is this!

-Umm,  It's ____.  Do you remember me?

-Babe?

-Yea I didn't--

-No hold on... I dropped my Big Mac when I found a marble stone in the ground--now I'm fighting with a possum, a squirrel, a couple cats, and my fuckin dogs.  It's a battle royale.    Babe, call me back.  Also, I love you.

images of beauty

-Eternity?

-I want you in life.  Hey!--don't slap me.

-No, you don't slap me.

-Did you just slap me?

-It fell.

-Your arm just fell on me?

-I have to go now.  My planet needs me.

MTWTFS- Sunday, I'd have to take a break, it's the Lord's day

-Gross!  You poppin your pimples, again?

-My brain's huge.  It's trying to escape.

Ah, Dammit! I'm in jail, again.

Hey, you guys got Wi-fi?  I gotta check my blog.

That's a good argument in court

Your Honor, important Jesuits of the Court, these are pages of my writing.

Have I been known to wet my whistle a little bit?  Sure.  But upon your reading, you will find that I'm a vessel, a sexy vessel--I have to create art!  I do not deserve to be thrown in with the gangs.

I have never touched anyone--I've gotten beat up a few times--but I have never wished ill-will on anyone.

--

it's all bullshit, but it sounds good

I stopped killing flies.
I guess I'm proud.
Maybe I'll kill this one.
Cocksucker!

EatKhash

EatKhashivich

Eatkhashinator

The Fuckinator

Ballsasaurus 

the thin red line

"Why should I be afraid to die?
I belong to you.
If I go first, I'll wait for you."

The Springfield Files

"This is a simple lie detector test.  I'll ask you a couple questions and you answer truthfully.  Do you understand?
-(Homer) Yes.
-(lie detector blows up)

"

Another day.
Just breathe.

I hope I get roofied one night.  Wake up next to a gorgeous woman.
-I forgive you!

- You look good.

-I'm married.

- You still look good.

- Thank you.  I appreciate the compliment, considering I just had a baby.  Come inside.

- I don't know if I'm healthy enough for sexual activity.

- We have to sign the papers, dufus.

-Oh.

knock-knock

-Will you love me?
-I don't know.  Let me see your tits.
-(she shows him)
-(nods quietly) Come on in.

-Freeze!  FBI.  You're under arrest on the charge of Child Pornography.

-What?  Are you kidding me?  I've never even thought about child pornography.

-Yea, you can say alot of that where you're going--to jail!

Hello, Alcoholism

Hello, Alcoholism.
Barev dzez Barez dzez
Sure!  Fuck my wife.
Let me get some  eggs started
while you're doing that

I don't even have any mouthwash...I got some Chanel No. 5

slim charles

-Who we hittin?
-Goes by the name, "Mickey Rooky."
-What happened, he fuck up the count?
-No, worse.  He beat our boy in chess.  Guy's really sensitive about that shit.

My bad

I was playing chess online turn-based with this guy, there was no way he could win--sonuvabitch checkmated me.!  Chess is a language.  I prolly just overlooked one move--but it's just fuckin amazing.

Cocksucker lowered my rating.  I'm going to put a hit out on him.

I shouldn't have tipped that bitch so much.  She didn't look at me the whole time I was there.  Not one glimmer of hope. Maybe I can call corporate. Get a dollar back.

Love your dogs.  They're not going to survive without you.

What have I learned from life?

Yea, don't do meth.

flat line, I beg you!

thers a ringing in my ear.  it usually goes away.

it hasn't gone away today

Double shot of Jack, straight up, diet coke back.  I was sweating balls.  1/3 into it, i finally sat down.

i'm getting pretty depressed
i want to stick my face into that fan

Next time I see her, I'm going to sit next to her
and say I'm in love with you.

Then I'm going sniff her hair.
I hope she doesn't call the cops.

Mr. Plow

why brush your teeth
why clip your toenails

that's really low--
Not as low as my prices!

For months, I had a dull, dull, slight pang on my left side.
Then once I found out my liver was on my right side,
I got a dull, dull, slight pang on my right side.

No one's called me today.
It's my birthday.

I'm not making enough to support my raging alcoholism.  But I do what I can, you know?  It's not easy.  Rob an orphanage here and there. 

I can't believe people are playing football, basketball, doing stunts for movies, rescuing someone out of a burning car while I'm sitting here getting drunk.

Ah jeez! There's always a line

finger on the button

where am I?
What happened last night?
Where are my false teeth?

-It's the Big One!  Get the children.  Call the fire department.
-We don't have any children.  Go back to sleep, baby--you farted in your sleep again.

-It says here, you're not supposed to be drinking.
-No, baby, I'm not supposed to be drinking and driving.  It's the law.
-Why are you in pajamas?
-Because it's faster that way.
-So you're not driving?
-No, now I'm utterly consumed by avoiding cars at all cost.
-Good motto.
-I avoid them like the plague; I avoid them like geniuses--or genusi (points to his brain) avoid cliches; I avoid them like America avoids Soccer.
-Let's have sex.  I'll make you pancakes.
-Done.

I think I'm in love.  She looked at me.

"You smiled, don't deny it!"

I wonder if I'll ever see her again.

Tonight tastes good today.

No one! No one ever hears my flaming words.
-  Well, Brotha: you said it.
- Hey!  Hey, get back here!
- No, man.  You said it, I'm telling the whole class!  I'm telling Ms. Johnson; I'm telling Mrs. Knorp.
-Why don't you tell Mrs. Knoop how your mom payed me back that $20 you owed me?
-Ah, man: she heard it here, first.  I'm going to let her know!  You're flaming, baby!

The Bunk

"Oh yea, God made that."

Maybe I'll start sporting a wedding ring

- Yea, I'm domesticated...why, who's asking?

3 Gangsters making their scene

-Ok, that's them.  There's a couple by the steps, and the rest of them right there.  That's Juice, right there.  The way this has to go, I'll step to Juice, you guys get a good view on all of them.  I'll announce myself all chill till Juice inevitably drops it, and I catch him.

-Inevitably?  What's that?

-It's like doom.

-(the weak link) Yea,  if he doesn't know what's goin on.

-Once I catch him, I'll have it cold on his temple, and you guys make sure sure you have the others monitored--you know, Supervise that shit.   Check the steps, be on all of them before they catch a whiff of something cute.  Once Juice starts making sense, I'll lower the piece, but you guys stay in commando, till we're out--nice and clean.  We'll shake hands.

-Civilized.

-Fresh N' Easy