- Watch it, kid, I'll pound you.
Real life Superhero at the Bar
-...there was this kid, he fell through the window in one of those high-rise apartment buildings. I caught him barely halfway down, and he looked at me and said, "Hey, you're not Superman!" I dropped him right there. I was having such a bad day. I tried to make amends to his mom everyday for a week, but she was having none of it. I fled when she finallly called the cops and said I was trying to rape her. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for a very long time.
- Hey, that boy probably died waiting for Superman to scoop him up.
- That was my intial reaction. I over-reacted.
- Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
- You think?
- Yea, that kid was probably ugly.
- ...wait a minute—What are you saying? It's dangerous to drink with you.
- Sit down, cavron. I bought the last round.
-$55 dollars? That's not no childhood good times prices.
- I supersize with you, but there's nothing I can do. I'm actually a real-life superhero but this is the only thing that pays the bills—everybody wants Batman or Superman...
- Yea, yea...my grandfather's in an insane asylum that's supposed to be a hospital in another country. Look, you're scaring all the children away with your prices. Where's Ronald? Is Ronald here? I want to talk to Ronald.
- Hey, maybe it's inflation.
- Inflation? That's a big word for a superhero.
- I'm taking accounting classes at the local community college. Once in awhile I'll have a couple drinks with my dinner and go to class in my costume...
- Is Ronald here yet? Or Diet?
- No, sorry...guess my humor's not for everyone.
- Sorry...okay, look, What's your name? My name is Quentin, from the Sound and the Fury.
- My real name, or the Superhero?
-(rolls his eye) whatever, player.
-...Evan...s....Presence.
-Now that sounds like you made it up.
- Oh, you got me! The truth is, I cam never remember the name I was given to attend this planet.
- (scoffs) Just tell Ronald I'll call him back.
I wish the Lord would just takes me away tonight, and like, sends me to Magic Mountain—i mean, it's like 55 dollars to get in. You get your food throughout the day, maybe beer but i wouldn't recommend it because it just makes you drowsy—I really don't get the point of beer—and then on the way out, of course you buy a funnell cake.
What was the point of this post? I forgot? Oh, it was my growing fear of heights.
That's a lot of chips you're playing with,
I said to the man, a work-out coach,
in the park in the dark
under a bench on a light
there's a man up the field
straight ahead with his bags of chips
Do you want to be left alone?
Obviously not, he goes.
That's okay, I thought i'd make this park my own, as well....here, check it out..
- You're showing me your penis.
- Oh, sorry. Wrong one. Hold on...well, at least we got some comic relief—here! It's a bottle of antifreeze.
-Cute, but you won't get anywhere with that.
- What you mean?
- Well, they changed the properties in it to make it unpalatable some time ago. Too many husbands and wives were trying to kill each other off for the insurance money.
-Damn...and they were probably having affairs, too?
- Naturally, I presume.
- Damn!
Some guys walk so uber
when there's a woman next to him
—why do people insist on stupifying their cars to sound like single engine model airplanes from the 70s or 1940/? It hurts my head all the way down the street before I can think
-What's that?
-What, what? Is there a thread on my strand of hair? A spot, for instance, on my countenance? —It's been battled hard. Well, shit, is my fly unplugged?
- No, you loon. That!
- Oh, that's a woman.
- Just as I surmised...I've heard about those. Are those real or is it doll hair?
- As far as I know, it's what she's told me.
- Yea, what with the APR...
- Yea, exactly!
-Yea, exactly! That 's what I was going to say. What, with the hurricane in China and the interest rates on doll strands...
- Human hair for now, but I love her. She can do whatever she wants with her hair.
- Oh, that's cute. Did you get her on sale at the CVS?
- No...no, I didn't.
- Oh. I thought they might have them on that rack by the the pharmacy. Sometimes there's expired batteries and diet water drinks, halloween and seasonal decorations that fell to the floor and got lost in their inventory, you know—you know, some of those batteries are stolen?
- Oh no, it wasn't like that.
- What was it like?
- Kind of like laughing or breathing, now that I think about it. You know it happened so naturally, I forget what it was like.
- Organic, huh? (mummbles) Oh, that shit is right
- Hey, watch your mouth!
- Oh, no, you misheard me...sort of or something
- Brother, I'm about to lay you out!
- Oh no! ...you are in a dream, ghosts, goblins and ghouls, your grandma making you cornbread, you are getting sleepy, so sleep...
- Knock it out, I know it's you.
She has no sense of inner peace, today
she's vacuuming again
she's wearing it down and taking it around the track
like it's a tank, and bulldozing everything
—don't you hate those pretentious people, who don't kill bugs, cause they think it'll score them points in life, then once in a while a fly or something green, well what's another gas receipt
when she was married she assumed her duties
she's hysterical when she rants and raves
it makes perfect sense
she was taught not to understand
I can't sleep. Insomnia's slowly creeping up on me day by day. I'm revisiting the Wire from the start. Tomorrow I think I'll have some Italian for dinner. Spagetti and meatballs, maybe. Some kind of pasta. I can already feel stuffed. I wonder if I'm being manipulative. I hope I'm not. I can't ever be too sure. I like way I'm feeling. Sometimes it's like I don't know how to contain it, like I just got off the phone with her, and I'm going to do 50 cartwheels in my room. The bad thoughts I just quickly shut them off before they can start. I cut them off like they're a Prius. Maybe I'll edge back into my legendary diet. Maybe I'll paint the walls.
This one time last week I went to In-N-Out at 10AM cause I thought it was 2PM and got in an argument at the drive-thru with this girl and said, "This is the second time you guys got my order wrong in as many occasions. I don't know why people are so crazy about your stupid burgers. I'm never coming back here again." Then I started crying and ran away into the bushes and turned back and looked at them.
Later on that night, I went back, cause I still wanted my original order.
- Can I help you with something?
- Yea, um, I see here in your catalog, um, in the schedule of classes... Well I'm looking for some information about classes you offer.
- Right, so all our classes are listed here in the catalog—
- ....about signing up for a class—Oh, Wii Bowling!
- Well, all our classes are for our Senior residents.
- I can't sign up for those?
- No, they're 55 and over.
- Oh, I see. Is there somewhere I can go to find out if there are classes for, like, you know, regular people?
- (laughs). Yes, there are. If you go down to that building next door, there's a Recreational Programs Guide for the city that lists the Schedule of Classes currently being offered. And you can sign up for anything through our website—you just have to create a user name—
- And it'll probably have the Schedule of Classes on the website?
- Yes.
- Okay, I'll go down to that building.
- Okay, do you know where it is?
- Yea, by the gym.
- Excuse me, you guys wouldn't have a Schedule of Classes here would you?
- Actually, yea, it's right there on the table by you.
- Oh, right, "Recreational Programs." Do you know when they start?
- Well, most classes are in their second week already.
- Oh, it's too late to sign up?
- Well, did you have a particular class in mind?
- Yes, Knitting.
- Generally you sign up till the end of the Second Week. But after the Second Week, no one is allowed to sign up for a class. So, currently, we're in the middle of the Second Week.
- Yea but, they're already in their second week—I'll be behind the rest of the class.
- Well, let me see if they're even offering that class. (checking computer) Hmm...I don't see anything...there's "Weaving."
- What's the difference between Knitting and Weaving?
- You know, I'm really not sure.
- I wonder which one's more masculine...
- Here it is: Knitting. There are some classes that don't begin until October, and there seem to be two time slots for the class...there's a 10AM...
- Oh, no.
- ...and a 6PM.
- Oh, that sounds good.
- So that one runs from 6-8pm every Monday evening.
- Wow, two hours? You think they have smoking breaks?
- I'm not sure; but you're not allowed to smoke around here anyway. You can sign up through our website. It'll ask you to create a username—have you ever used our services before?
- Well, I used to play basketball here when I was a kid.
- Okay, all you need to do is create a simple user profile and then you'll have access to all the programs.
- And just enroll through the site?
- Yes.
- $53 dollars huh? Okay, sounds good. Hey, thanks a lot!
- Oh you're welcome.
- I wonder where they got that three from...
I went to a meeting, then picked up a friend and we went for a little drive. I got harassed by cops. He said I was doing like 50-55mph and that I parked to get away from him and his lover, but I know Iwasn't because for the last 5 minuttes I was relating to my friend a story about this homeless kid that hangs around the 7-11 in the neighborhood and how a feew weeks back I bought some taquitos and drinks for him and he refused, which puzzled me and kinda hurt my feelings. We joked that I should have insisted and said, "What, you think you're better than me, or something? Cause obviously, you're not." Anyway, that cop should have seen us when we were nearing ____ 20 minutes earlier.
Then I rented "Captain Phillips" from a vending machine. It's a thrilling movie, but I can't really concentrate. I don't know, I just kept thinking about knitting you a quilt and showing it you maybe when I go to sleep.
I might paint the walls.
Babe, ever since we got back together I've been feeling guilty about reverting back to my old reacreational activities, so I sit there thinking about loving you and stuff and new things to do but I also find my mind running in circles—and there's a lot of space in there, and sometimes neighbors leave their dogs in there—until I just get tired, and...and fall over.
No dreams toniight my love, I was sent to take out a sniper at the bottom of the lake in the mountains—well we were at the bottom of the lake and he was in the mountains. He took out my two guys, when they couldn't take it and they started talking and their heads were bobbling and then their faces were dead
I made it back to the loading dock or airport but no one was there but programned voices in the intercom. I couldn't
Eh, fuck it. World don't care. Babe let me tell you about my dream.
All these years!
All these fuckin years!
Ah, jeez, I feel a million years old and alone.
I think I woke up 8 to 6 times last night,
and each time, God grant me, I closed my eyes and my babe was there.
Usually we were trying to patch things up.
There was a time, we were hopeful and cautious,
but I accidentally ran her over with my car or dropped her while we were messing around or something, while we were together trying to patch things up
and the lawyers got involved, and hers—Yours! My, my only love—
that bitch wanted $11 thousand dollars for medical and 60 grand for puntive.
So babe, we were at 7-11, there was a huge Tyson chicken wing in my blue raspberry slurpee, and while I was trying to get it out
I said, "Babe, wouldn't you rather have my love?"
A few dreams later, we were living together, in school and work
it was so promising, but the same shit....
I couldn't control you like I wanted to,
you couldn't be as free as you wanted to,
I couldn't understand why you would throw me a surprise pool-party with the Mexican soccer team—you had been on campus for a week, you had no girlfriends and all the guys liked you—when I was going to be late from work that day...me, the workaholic!
You think those Mexicans are alalalalalal to each other about being excited to meet me, while you're getting in that swimming pool?
But thn again, I was spying at you studying in the library that afternoon when I was supposed to be at work—and I told him to tell him, fuck him and his wife, he lost his balls because she was third in line and left behind and she clasped on to his as soon as she could and now he doesn't even watch the Champions League—
....ah jeez, I think I'm in love again.
my heart like an inflated balloon
looks like it's going to pop tonight
i thought i had just won the lottery
all the monsters from lord of the rings
i thought i put to sleep
No...no!
words, buzzing, a fan, room
why do i even bother living
some of us judt aren't made to
I...I don't want to do this anymore.
why don't you just crush me like an anvil when i dream its a cartoon?
Why don't you just blow me up when I'm asleep.
I hate you.
There is no God.
Love is sex,
Love is dicks and pussies and cum.
Life is money.
Life is commerce and Donald Trump and his Russian wife.
Blow me the fuck up!
A night full of sweet tear-filled dreams
Today, people held doors open for me,
because I'm in love!
...and I'm loved!
I offered to pay and the cashier
waved me away. She knew
...that I'm in love!
and I'm loved!
I approached people arguing, and smiled;
obviously, they didn't know
...that I'm in love!
and I'm loved!
A man said to me,
"You know, there are mosquitos in the Philippines as big as dogs?"
I turned around, "This guy's crazy!...
...cause I'm in love!
and I'm loved!"
I walked up to a homeless man,
and said take it, take it all!
He said...you must be in love!
and You're loved!
all right, you go to the unicorn in front of the Kmart , Lindsey from accounting...ummm, she's got cart diem for the bowling arcade in the mall—Yea, she the one that likes to keep pictures of her exes in bed. Yea, she likes to introduce them to the new guy in emails, in some degree—Don't look at me like that Scott, I'll have you at the Chucky Cheese battle royaling two kids that'll bully you in the future anyway. Yea? Good, get me a couple slices too, please.
(annotated-* remembering)
(annotated-* remembering)
How are the EatKhash Dancers?
- Sarah's good. The rest have names as well.
- Ah, that's good...Oh! Tell them to play what they want this week. Have all the girls put in their input. That'll filter out all the pure pop rock girls, that should give us credibility...oh! No one with strong opinions that week, through some punk rock discovery. Don't kick her off; she might be an alcoholic. Just tell them it's a business; we have to move the way the ocean works...I dunno, I think that sounded good, or say what you want—I'm going out to Sushi with that guy from the Drama shows. I think he'll pay the bill.
Okay, what next?
- Okay....um, ok....okay, let's get the kids in the backyard. There's kids in the studio audience right? We'll have them search for mulberries...you know, figs, oranges, lemons, shit like that.
- Apricots.
- No apricots. Who said that? She's fired! I want her out now! No, I'm just kidding. Anyway, so this will give me some time to heat up soup and continue drinking, while these critters run around—
- Right, so we have none of those fruits in the yard, and there's plenty of dog shit on the ground. But the lemons we can hoist a kid or use a basketball player for your neighbor's yard.
- So this is why they pay you the big bucks, to be my producer? I like you, I think, but first I have a question for you: Do we have that movie Critters on Netflix? I thought I could lie somewhere on the ground and watch it with the kids.
- Off the top of my head, I don't think so, and I'm thinking about Redbox but I know that my thinking is making you tilt your head, so No! It's just not feasible.
- That's a shame. That would be a great field trip for the kids. That movie makes me hungry during easter. Ok! Staff meeting, now!
ok, set up broadcasting
ok, EatKhash dancers, ladies you guys need to dance it up, while I sweat it out, give sime lollipops to the kids or something
- What should we dance to, Your Lord AlMightiness?
- I dunno, Joan Jett? Try...try...try to understand...this magic marker
- I don't think think that's the lyrics.
- Look, I don't need to under,ining figures to fight with in my head. Look, it's a crystal ball: what am I thinking?
- What?
- Magic Marker, those are the lyrics. Please, do that now, please.
we'll be right back
So proper ettiquette at a supermarket line, an unwritten rule, like generally if you happen to glance behind you and someone has one item he's holding and you have a shopping cart, it's kind of against human nature not to suggest, hey why don't you swing by, and in a healthy line i would of course kindly refuse a couple times then blush when he insisted and go along. But when there's only two people in line, and at that point things can get vulgar and direct, and your nature or maybe even resentments can come out
Part 2 coming up
Good swig, that will put some salt on your balls. We are dealing with afull-breasted bottle here, and I want to take it easy and be outside ona bench for like an hour...that fuckin troth!
look i felt really good for a long time and then ashamed
so i got drunk until i felt really good for being ashamed
There's tools in the shed...well it's kind of a makeshift shed...I dunno, this isn't Tool Time; do I look like Al Borland to you? You catch me on the roof on Sundays being low-brow? ...Yea, well, lots of hairy guys are sophisticated...Oh, that's my Emergemcy Dickhole, so it can escape during a terrorist attack..
im a pig in a troth
my bed is my troth
i'm a pig...in a blanket?
- Nah, nah...that's too cute
too cute for me
summa .....times
when the waterworks start
i
feel
so strangely
egotistical
"You know you're really sick, man". - Karate Kid Part 1
like feeling someone's boner rising
hugging them at a funeral
There's this cool mural on the side of some deli, maybe? on Ventura Blvd. of the brackets from the Karate Kid 1 tournament?
Here comes the waterworks, took you long enough. We were really busyweren't we Gunther?
-Literally couldn't spare a moment.
-Very good, Sir.
Oh yea, I can sense a good stable drunkenness setting in. This is the "I'll take pity on your soul" drown you out and a can of soup. The one that starts it is the true monster. I don't know the science behind that one. I can't underdtand how certain phrases or gibberish or word vomit come out of me—Well, sir, technically they complete full thoughts, got the ooh and the oooohhh! jeez, no...
- Yea, yea, we get it Guther.
- But what I'm really trying to say
- (random black guy bass voice) Tell it like it is
- (random guy holding it up his trousers) Tell it on the mountain!
- What I'm really trying to say is, alcohol is a joke. It's almond skin. You leave it in vinegar for a few days in a bowl big enough to wash your feet—
-(black guy bassline voice) I told you last time, I'm not putting up with listening to his gibberish all night again.
-(trouser guy, turns out he's a tall redheaded jew with cool redhead beard, who owns the club) Oh, no...no, he's getting there, I think
-(Barry) Cause they're lots of beautiful women out there who appreciate what I do.
- Yea, haven't you seen "Whacking Day?"
-(Barry) Enough with the Barry White allusions.
- (Redhead) No...no, don't worry about it Larry.
- (Barry) It's Barry.
- With one A.
- (Barry) There it is! ...Before you bummed out.
-(Redhead) Banging cocktail waitresses two at a time....he's worse than Freudo.
- (Barry) Nah man, he's been—
- Hey! You caught me at some bad times.
- (Barry) Bummed out...
-Yea, whatever, Barry with one A...Who Has Yet To Fall!
-(Barry). I can't fall with love.
-It's a spiritual crisis.
-(Redhead) An existential funk. Come on Barry, let's get you out there for love and some money.
-(Barry) That'll work.
-(Redhead) Hey, have you ever seen The Wire, because my theory on why it didn't ever—
-(Barry)!Have you ever read Madame Bovary? That's a beautiful tragedy.
(Exit Barry and Redhead)
(Monologue from the Guy, like Jean Claude Van Damme's monologue in "JCVD"")
- Oh, well you didn't have to put me up against that. What's that you say? He should have been nominated for an Oscar? God, is that you? Do you have three other candidates in mind, because I run a parlour on Sunday afternoon at that sinkhole, the Foxhole
-(Director) CUT! CUT! It's God, you asshole. All right, I din't want to do this anymore! You were supposed to say—it's very simple
-Okay, okay! You don't drink...you don't activate The Double Demons?
- No! No! It's more profound—it's very simple!
-I'm confused.
-You will always be a tomato!
-(thoughtful) A button?
- Look, theortically, it's sound! ...I just gotta... gotta work on some stuff
- That two-headed Japanese wrestler from Japan?
- That's what happens when you hire a Keanu Reeves impersonator to play a random guy.
all righty! it's working! here comes a drunken remeienisences
...oh no, i thought i was free to go into free-flowing splatter and have reckless fun, but a part of me just died again
Now Kirsten at that time was her best friend. They were always arm and arm in the mornings, it was cute. They were both cute. Kirsten was also my best friend...how should I say this without sounding too gay...She was also my best girl friend. We talked practically every day for a good hour in the evenings on my personal social phone. That was a good social phone. I had a lot of heated arguments with classmates about our favorite bands, and lots of three-way prank calls. Call-waiting was new and very exciting. Anyway, Kirsten liked Tim, my good friend, coolest guy I knew, and I was like a Milhouse for her friend. So we would talk about things like that, although I can't imagine how much about things like that we could actually say. Gradually my affections shifted from her friend to Kirsten. Eventually my passion for Sara fizzled out, I guess, whether due to my lack of tact and emotional maturity , or I ran out of ways to be her dog. I remember one time after lunch before her class, she asked me to carry her books to her class out of the blue. Oh man! Carry her books to the other side of the school? Out in the bungalows? Do you know what this means? Oh man, everybody knew. Everybody we passed knew; everybody knew that my class was over there and hers is here, and I'm carrying her books! Kevin Arnold started narrating in my head. I was fired up all weekend. I thought about nothing else but the possibilities—possibilities? The future that lay ahead, just over that weekend hump. I was gonna get that varsety jacket—I mean, the girl of my dreamsah dammit! you're a wounded fly arn't you? what the hell do you expect me to do?
i guess the thoughts are fighting again, and i just try to stay out of it and get drunk
but for a moment it hit me how useless and alone, and im not drunk enough
but i had a cute anecdote relating to me and my sister sharing a room in grade school and how that influenced my musical taste (it took her like 2 weeks to explain to me how the lead singer of Nirvana could be dead but he's on the radio right now! I was really dumb back then. and then one summer i decided i was obsessed with Nirvana so I bought enough bootleg tshirts of theirs and wore a nirvana shirt everyday for full school year—some of those shirts were really tasteless cause they would print his sucide note on the back of the shirt. I didn't realize it at the time. I stopped taking showers, I wore my grandma's cardigans, I ripped my jeans and tried to dirty my shoes, tried to kill myself a couple times, once with advil to try to get the attention of a girl, I threw it up in Second Period in my grandma's cardigan and that thing was so white and clean that it stuck out and showed how foolish I was. She wouldn't have known about that—I mean what the hell am I freakin doing here? Obviously, I had to get news of the tragedy to her the next day...through her best friend. I was on my social phone that night with Kirsten. It's funny, I'm pretty sure I remember saying, "You mean you haven't told her yet?" And then she said, "Oh, should I?" And I didn't catch what she may or may not have accidentally implied, you know, cause I'm freakin building my tragedy here. I had that Marcy Playground lovesong from the radio in my head that night, the morning I woke up alive on my headphones—interestingly, that night after I took the pills, I had my first sexual dream I think, it was with her and we were in the water, I could smell her actual scent, the one when she sits by me in class,and...and we were doing it in my Doughboy in my backyard. I woke up very depressed, partly because of the dream, the song was in my head, partly because I was still alive, partly cause I took a lot of Advil, but mainly because I was misguided and dumb.
Oh, just a lint from my business socks.
at moments i think i've calmed down and not surrounded
and then the past is gone away
like from moving my eyes from here to there
the thoughts were never there
something was asleep
and now people are pushing each other, toes wrastlin'
if the alcohol doesn't work—i keep forgetting to drink
every moment is coming up on me
i can't keep up
i can't tell if it's my car alarm or buzzing
i just keep listening waiting for the impact of a grenade
is that his lights or his siren lights
—what's with the constant flickering?
i think i should just pull over and ask him
in case we're in a low-speed pursuit
i just gotta know, it's too much
but my pants
so should i take off my pants?
i've nbuckled it
people lay naked together i've seen em
his penis dangles idly right there in front of her
when she's not touching it
if i take off my pants
im going to be in my underwear again like a child
and her, forget about it she's comfortable
i have to urinate
i'll have to figure it out
this cup's too heavy
that one! i'll use that one
the other one i might drop it
there will be glass everywhere
before i know it i'll panic
and i'll be lying down on the ground looking for glass
glass glass everywhere
maybe a splinter in my sock
the dogs!
i don't have time to explain
i'll just have to kick em
if they come near to
chapstick!
i need chapstick for my lips
I know what's going to happen
As soon as i use my lips are never going to be the same again
i'll have to get stuck getting hooked on it
all day it's like i've been suffocating in my own brain
there are voices
i can't keep up
they are my voices im not crazy
but they pass through my head they're so distant
like they hapened yesterday
i can't keep up
they wwant me to do things
there are movements i have to make
probably in the sun
I might take off my pants
Im not sure which is more important
i keep touching my face
the freeway was driving me nuts
i kept touching jy face
i should drink
i keep choking on it
the ice metls
im gonna try harder
im not gonna eat bread
Maybe i'll take off my pants
i have to go now
I haven't slept for awhile.
There were instances where things I was looking at hazy cartoons
and I wondered if this was really happening
or some scant dreams
but there was still some dopamine
some dopamine in that hole
scamt and i was hyper relieved
all the faces look like one
she must have changed her identity
to deny me access
they way she's done it i don't think it's mean
any one of these could be her, i reasoned
(it's gotta be her) i reasoned
a voice told me eventually to stop looking at faces
i wish she did so i could find something new
she lives in a place for me that doesn't exist for her
i live in types of sickness that's lost aloud
dare i say i can't ever see her as real again
yet im here, i'm around
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