Rain is Good
I imagine homeless people appreciate it.
Bottle it up, call it Gluten-free Organic
and sell it to hipsters.
Rain Water - rain, rain go away
EatKhash won't sell out
Fuck yea! I will.
Give me a million dollars,
I'll stop writing right now!
Monaco, Nice
Here I come!
In my red 1960s Aston Martin,
Bahama,
Bahama Mama!
What now?
- I'll tell you what now.
- Oh, that...don't wink at me, you look like a stupid little pixie who just farted. But you're huge.
- Oh, you have to bring that up.
- What do you mean? You're six feet tall!
- Shit the size of a tree trunk. Is that what you were going to say?
- You have to get over it. You can't live in Neverland.
- Why not? It's imaginary... I have to throw up.
- So what else is new? That's why we eat soup.
Whacha' laughin' aboot, Canadian Jamaica?
If I go out with a girl, and she has to pick me up because of my recent
glug-glug drive drive,
Do I still have to open the car door for her when we get out of Burger King?
Fuckin valet. What's he smirking at?
That smug motherfucker!
( )
( )
( )
( )
That's us rolling on the floor in front of her car.
Some times, when I get really lonely,
I put both my legs over my head and try to pretend I'm a pretzel being eaten by my babe during Oktoberfest.
Work? What? Again!
-I did it. I finally did it! We finally did it!
-We?
-Where the fuck would you be without me? What are you, going to be a bank teller? A loan consultant?
-We should have written some stories, man. Our shit's only three words.
-Eh, there's nothing left. Maybe we can trick them into thinking we compressed it.
-You mean our anthology?
-Yea, why not?
-We?
-Where the fuck would you be without me? What are you, going to be a bank teller? A loan consultant?
-We should have written some stories, man. Our shit's only three words.
-Eh, there's nothing left. Maybe we can trick them into thinking we compressed it.
-You mean our anthology?
-Yea, why not?
well, since im dying ill make my greatest of lists
fashion designers
1. armani
2. gucci
3. yves st. Laurent
4. louie v.
greatest professional wrestlers
1. bret hart
2. undertaker
3. shawn michaels
4. hulk hogan (he only knew 4 wrestling moves, but you gotta respect what he did for the sport)
Cereal
1. cinnamon toast crunch
2. honeycomb
3. honey nut cherrios
4. fruit loops or fruity pebbles
5. apple jacks
6. golden grams
7. frosted flakes (they're great)
Ninja Turtles Cereal -ineligible
Nickelodeon shows
1. Are you afraid of the dark?
2. the adventures of pete and pete
3. Clarissa explains it all
Greatest episodes of the simpsons
off the top of my head, I would say, Homer's Triple Bypass, the prohibition episode, Hurricane Neddy, the Springfield Files, the monorail, you only live twice, the one with daryl strawberry, the one where Marge becomes a cop because it's got Homer trying to make a mad dash, the treehouse of horror episode with Bill Clinton and Bob Dole was really good...i dunno, lots more.
I never cared for the episode where Lisa becomes a vegetarian. Prolly the only episode in the first 12 seasons that made me angry.
I never cared for the episode where Lisa becomes a vegetarian. Prolly the only episode in the first 12 seasons that made me angry.
like not ungood, but good
I'm pretty sure it's my liver.
Why can't alcohol be so like, unbad?
So I can keep drinking and not die.
Why can't alcohol be so like, unbad?
So I can keep drinking and not die.
One time I'm driving through Brentwood during work, there's this blonde girl on the bus stop, a good-looking, dignified woman. Behind her sits an old, bearded fat hobo in a wheel chair, probably missing some teeth, trying to flirt with her and smile. She's trying her best not to give him a response. He's got one arm leaning on the back of the bench, and the other is rummaging through the garbage can.
Funniest thing I ever saw.
Uday Hussein
How horrible do you have to be, when America will sacrifice its entire army and destroy the entire country, just to kill you?
They stole a billion dollars once they had to go on the run. It's not like they could deposit it somewhere. They probably had to carry that with them, not to speak of the gold. How much money do you need?
To the mailman
-You guys are early today.
-I'm just picking up his routes.
-What happened? Someone go Postal?
When I have a son...or a dughter
-This is a Real Madrid house!
Barcelona? Kick him out of the house.
Barcelona? Kick him out of the house.
Babe, where you been?
You been out in Morocco?
I had a dream,
i had a dream last night!
We had a lion as a pet,
i said
We can't keep it!
It's going to bite someone!
2prts. Waldendorf's Nighttime Cold and Flu
1prt. mouthwash
some parts. scraping resin from your pipe
I call it, Desperation, baby.
(In bed)
-(man, in underwear, lying on his side in bed)
What do you think?
-(woman) Are you trying to pose while you talk to me?
-(tanned face) No. That's absurd!
-Absurd? Where did you get that from?
-I happen to read when I tan...sometimes.
-The only thing you read is Tan Magazine.
-So!
-So?
-I like to do my research. Some people like to be the best at making tomato sauce. Some people like to be the best gamers.
-You want to be the best Tan you wanna be.
-Exactly!
if only cigarette commercials were allowed on TV
-I wanna go to sleep.
-I know. But I'm going to smoke this cigarette first.*
*This one's the schizo version.
-I know. But I'm going to smoke this cigarette first.*
*This one's the schizo version.
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