I feel the monster lurking in my head.  It should be rising soon.  There's no one I can talk to about it.  There's no one that can understand.  Eh, prolly there are, but they're on their own too.  It's not really something you can share with others.

To be honest, if I don't expose myself to it, how can I indulge it?    Every little step, even for a moment or minute, adds up; every trigger given the light of day

I used to feel like there were worms in my brain; I would stay up for days.  Or there's holes, or it's a wound that's never healed

Post Traumatic Syndrome (lost in translation)

"Why, what's that?

That's when Armenia lost to Turkey in football and you lost it and divorced your wife on that very soil."

Cribs

Hello, welcome, come.  I show you my home.

Welcome to my family room.    That's fur rug, black and white.   My furniture, black and white, like zebra.  Fireplace, very warm, marble tiles.  I hang my parents' picture on the wall.  They loved each other so much.  I loved them. My wife loved them.  I hang one more in our bedroom. On fireplace counter, more pictures.   Eiffel Tower.  It's Ceaser's Palace and Venetian, our pets, my wife's mother.

Vopshum, here's my kitchen, remodeled mo-dern style, marble counter, all lighting, refrigerator big.  My neighbors can usually see me in my underwear when I'm in kitchen.  They must not like it, but the windows are big so they see our TV.

Show you some of my food.

Here's some kvass, very good drink, and some russian sour cream -- the crumbs are from the bread.  I like to double-dip in the middle of the night.  My wife doesn't like it - but her sister does!  eh-he-he-he-he! eh-he-he-he! oh...vi, no,  hala give me that camera!

...tketsi

:)

If I see a man, I say "Hey, man."
If I see a woman, I say "Hey, woman."

The former rolls off the tongue.
The latter, you really got to put some effort
into it, some passion.

David Chase

" I said it's a cold universe and I don't mean that metaphorically. If you go out into space, it's cold. It's really cold and we don't know what's up there. We happen to be in this little pocket where there's a sun. What have we got except love and each other to guard against all that isolation and loneliness?"

Very nice. How come I can't come up with shit like that? You know there was a time, where I never, or rarelu used foul language, not even in my mind. It was a discipline. I started after I read some George Orwell essays. And I think once I gave up reading and learning, my mind grew dull.

-

I told my attorney we should meet early in the courtyard. Last week, I noticed I was telling him page numbers from the documents.

He was late; I looked around at other professionals. He approached in a suit bigger than him, with enough purple in his tie. Sonuvabitch! He must have someone who loves him.

He said we should take the stairs. I'm on a diet.

I suggested we go in. He went searching for a restroom; he had too much water.

I smoked a cigarette outside waiting for him. Americans walked by and stared at me. He came out and related a story to me about thieves breaking into his car this past week and stealing his archery equipment--two thousand dollar binoculars.

I said i wish you told me you were a hunter. 

I would have never hired you.

If you smother another
if early enough,
they can run,
they can breathe,
and their relief 
grows into indifference.

If not

Nothing Ever Happened.

I feel like im in love again
What it would be like
to be sane again

U really did a number on me

got me dreamin
got me dreamin
Hardest part is waking up

hours and hours and hours and hours
I cant get myself 
out of bed

hours and hours and hours and hours
I cant get myself 
out of bed

hours and hours and hours and hours
I cant get myself 
out of bed

hours and hours and hours and hours
I cant get myself 
out of bed

hours and hours and hours and hours
I cant get myself 
out of bed

hours and hours and hours and hours
I cant get myself 
out of bed

hours and hours and hours and hours
I cant get myself 
out of bed

hours and hours and hours and hours
I cant get myself 
out of bed

hours and hours and hours and hours
I cant get myself 
out of bed

hours and hours and hours and hours
I cant get myself 
out of bed

how long will your tallest buildings survive?

We stood atop a building, overlooking a sea of lights. I looked up to a moon that hovered not too far up above. In peculiar motion glimmered - somewhere, somewhere up - two window-shaped xenon lights, then disappeared. I stood motionless, fascinated, awaiting something special to come. The planets aligned themselves: the stars, the lights, not too far from my eyes, and glimmered in unison the same instantaneous bright blue. Something was in the works. Down below, a young girl met an older man. She carried on with butterflies she couldn't wait to keep from the world.



Yea, something special was about to come. There must have been a spaceship. Next I saw laser beams in swift motion tear down all the tall buildings around us. In the flat below, some girl was getting it from a guy who wanted to walk away at the right time. One by one I saw skyscrapers fall. Fire, panic, and mayhem ensued. Something special was in the works against which we had no insurance. Government became an abstraction that quickly dissolved, and the military was no where to be found. These entities could not calm the people, because it was the Earth They were after. All the tall buildings in the world collapsed. That thief, he wouldn't get very far.



We ran with fear but ignored the feeling. Something told us this was just the first phase. Panic loomed but the prospect of absolute extinction sank deeper, deeper, and deeper. Something we could not percieve, would finally nullify our hopes, dreams, and desires. We were running and then, we jumped -

Loser, my ass! I'd love to see you put a bottle down like me.

images.

All the years I spent
Implanting it into my head.
I'll prolly never be free of it.
It'll never be free of me.

My world's crumbling around me
and I'm distracted.

I've been having difficulty lately distinguishing reality from dreams. I gotta start staying away from people. I don't know what I'm liable to say or do.

What was it, barking?

Sopranos S.4( best season) E.10

Where Chrissy gets high and sits on Adrianna's dog.

"She must have crawled underneath there for warmth."

Priceless!

Maybe your elves can build me a brain.

eatkhash

Had my vodka,
Had my khash,
Threw it all up,
Had a heart attack,
Did it all over again

Little Children

"you almost finished there? cause i'd really like to go on my walk."

I think it's going to be my new Magnolia.

chia pet

just soak your chia
spread the seed
and watch it grow

and now i'll give her a bonus gift
said the man

she said
now i can get him cuddly, again

baby,
can you order me an alarm clock
in the morning

I might not go to work today; it's wet outside. I like the gloom. I think I'll stay in and drink. Unless...you wanna snuggle.

I got the joy, joy, joy that's down in my heart, Where? Down in my heart!! (2008)

I remember when they killed her. I saw it on the news. Her body lay on the grass where she would have her lunch, with a boy who they said was a friend, but I suspect a teenage crush. Someone would wait for her everyday. Someone would dream of seeing her the next day. Her body lay, on the grass where she had her lunch, as her classmates ran past for fear of their lives.

I didn't know her. I just saw her picture later and thought she was cute.  People placed flowers on her car in the parking lot. It collected a lot of dust.

I mourned her death in my secret way.  I collected newspaper clippings and magazine articles, kept it stashed away for years. I went on AOL and tried to get close to those who had known her. I dreamed of visiting her grave in another state but I couldn't figure out why. She became an object for my affection; I didn't know any of her flaws.

I thought of being religious like her, but I was angry, and I suspect hate filled up in me. I hated everyone around me, with their petty bullshit. I fooled around with pipe bombs and CO2 canisters; I tried to live the disgruntled life of those who had killed her. I was playing a role I had heard about on the news...but no one seemed to want to bully me.

Over ten years passed; my teenage angst became so hollow. I rarely thought about her, but still kept the newspaper clippings stashed away. I didn't like to talk about it, as it felt like some weird fetish. It was like your family finding your porn collection or speed.

One drunken night in a sweet dream - I hadn't thought about her for years, and I guess this is why I'm writing this - I saw her walking to school from the parking lot with her friends. A guy had his arm around her and she was nonchalant and almost reluctant. She walked ahead, then turned back and put her head on his shoulder like a whiny teenage bitch, and it was so lovely. And that was all there was to it.

I don't know what to say about her. I almost loved her in my morbid but innocent way. It was easy - she was dead. And in my dreams, such adolescent times. Maybe she even smoked cigarettes on the sly with her friends.

Diary of a Madman

---
...but I'm a romantic,
the King of Spain!
And your dog,
he'll pass along
my lovesong.
----

Do you dream of me
When I dream of you?

I like to watch you sleep
( it makes me want to sleep)
I like to watch you sleep)
( it makes me want to sleep
I crawl on the floor
(Oh you're the face i want to see)
I crawl on the floor
(when the light is on)
I like to watch you sleep
(it makes me want to sleep)

A P.T. Anderson Picture

I would like to go see The Master again.

Life's way too interesting for my liking. I'm going to hide and get drunk in my underwear.

Sometimes I'm going about my day and hope my heart stops. I mean, it's possible. They're just organs at work. Anything at work is possible to just, umm stop. When I was younger I would wonder what kept the bottom of a car from just crashing down while driving. I can smell her on me.

Fresh bird's milk cake

If it was big enough I'd sleep in it!

time for a wholesome sober activity. ill eat my troubles away. eat until i sleep. all my teeth hurt. i have some good looking honey mustard pretzels ive been waiting to open. can't, too hard. i have some chinaman soups which are good, little shrimp dumplings. maybe some tea and a loaf of bread with cheeses and greens and things that end with cheese, some butter and caviar. tea with condensed milk and butter maybe. some cereal. ill let the apple jacks soak in the milk. the best part is always the milk at the end, any decent human being will tell you that. im not one of them- damn, kim bassinger sure likes doing a lot of sex scenes in her movies. i dont like sex scenes in movies. i usu. Fast forward thru them or look away. i read somewhere she had a fear of leaving the house or some anxiety. i wonder if it's from the sex scenes theyd want in her movies. i have some twix from halloween.

I saw this great scene from the movie Shutter Island, i should watch that movie next time i come across it. This one made me laugh. The dialogue in writing doesn't do the scene justice. You should just see Leo Dicaprio's face when the patient talks. Great scene all around. The guy that plays the psycho is great.

im not going to be too ceremonial about it....

... I'm baaackkkkk!

Chunti

Ey, you fools know where I can get a Dodgers cap? Gotta represent, yo.
So you wanna go out, or what?
Let me buy you a cheeseburger.
You fools watch Lucha Libre? I'm taping it.
You need an ID? My homeboy can hook you up.
She's like mad trippin, don't even trip yo, I ain't lookin to get busted.

im not going to lose any piece of myself just to pander to some Woman just so i can have sex with her like it'll be some prize. i say fuck that. like she's some prize. ive never met a woman who's a prize. they believe they are. but they are wrong. im a prize. a big, big prize. big, like big.

I'm going to make it after all!

so i told my doctor i felt a terrible strain on my back when I urinate...

- Knock Knock
- ( ... )
- Chickenbutt! Oh, wait...Guess What?
- ( ... )
- No, you suck!
- ( ... )
- Shut up... See, white people have names like Lenny, whereas black people -
- ( ... )
- You shut your mouth. Where I'm from you wouldn't last a day - ...Hey, let go of me! My two minutes aren't up, damn you. ...you guys are all hacks! You'll never forget the name...

Things aren't going too well. Blew out my knee again. Coach wants to put in the young rookie. Hope somebody clubs him at Club Verb. I'm up to my ass in alimony--her mother's still alive--and my next door neighbor's after me cause he thinks I banged his daughter. I mean, sooo what, if anything, I'm the victim.

Brotha Flava

We be sharp like them porcupines in the 610


Y'all bland like vanilla; I put the spices on 'em.
Y'all white like them bones, them bones. Gonna walk all over you.
You some sad stories, teardrop bitches. When I bet you be ghost.
You raskal-bound, like Q-Tip when he in the mire.
You sippin with your spiteful liver. Gonna get in the underground.
I'll put the cheese on you; make you my bird, feel me.
Them chickenheads around the block, I wears em out!

Man, you got clothes on!

Give me a beat, yo i be spittin truth:

The sky is big,
But not as big
baby as yo butt
its so big its so round
i wanna see you drop it down
like its hot
like its the bomb
when it hits the ground
the world goes:

round and round
uh!, feel me
( yo turn my mic up)
round and round
uh! feel me

song i heard in grade school

Baeball cards,
my baseball cards,
tell me every stat on a superstar
Collect em
trade em
stack em high
just keep on adding to my own supply
of baseball cards
my baseball cards...

Daryl Strawberry
with the Dodgers
"got em"
"got em"
"need em"
"got em"

my love for you is like melted ice cream
dried remains of choclate on my lips
that i occasionally lick
I like to leave it there throughout the day
and taste my sweet that stupid bitch
and so crumbles the unfortunate cookie
into scattered memories,
On a table,
At baskin robins.

iiiiii- sa topes!

I don't know if you heard, but in Europe Madrid just held Barca to a draw at Camp Nou, but that is only the beginning. On the condition that there must be a winner for the game to be shown in the States - La Liga also requested on their part, that American broadcasters must not act like they hate their job, must provide insightful commentary instead of reading useless facts, and must refrain from references to baseball - after the 90 minutes, ESPN held a "Primetime Sudden Death Soccer sponsored by Doritios Pow! Crunch into BBQ Ribs Flavor."

So there we are, Barca's piling on the pressure, the Real back line can hardly contain Messi outside of the box, he still manages to lay off the perfect pass slicing the defence, but the rest of Barca is on the ground inside the box - Buesquets just died... Oh wait - Marcelo, the diminuitive Brazilian intercepts the ball and half-back passes it to center, center holds it, holds it! then some other stuff happens and Ronaldo zooms past Mascherano and Adriano - Pique's distracted because he sees Shakira eating a chorizo with Eatkhash in the stands - reaches the ball and into the box and between Valdes' legs for the hat trick? No! the brilliant pass to an open Kaka, the lovable legend who's gradually become an afterthought on the Madrid bench...

And redemption!!!! And God loves Kaka.

in this episode of "The Nuts"

speaking of cards! So this one guy sits down next to me. He was a natural cooler - I hated that guy! My stack started dwindling and he was winning the hands that I should've won - although I can't recall if I would've played it the same way, he was just a calling machine with a couple bluffs that I wasn't in any position to out-bluff.

He relates an occasion of a funeral he recently attended, a friend who died at 40 from drinking. He fucked his liver irrefutably, I guess is the translation. I asked how many years and he goes on about there's ways of drinking and just drinking. Just tell me how many fuckin years he was drinking! I'm fuming inside, and I always have to piss when I'm nervous. But while I'm taking care of that, I tell myself, "Champions climb back up." A few hands later, luck keeps me in the game ( runner runner miracle), and then bam! I get pocket rockets. Short handed, I try not to chase them away, slightly raising. The wwek before my nerves were bad and I raised 16 times the pot. This game, I had been caught bluffing a few times and I hoped that was fresh on their minds. So I get two callers, one being my cooler. I hit my trips and hope no one noticed the twitch in my neck that felt like it shook my entire head. Both check to me, and I dont see any flush or straight danger on the flop so most likely I'll have the nuts all the way through, barring some runner runner catastrophe. They say only a donkey bets the nuts, but I thought if I checked, they would think I'm being sneaky so I took a risk and acted a donkey, a slight donkey. I think the first to act called my bet and the cooler went all in. I didn't have enough to just flat call him - or else it would be too obvious I was trying to invite the first guy in as well - so I went all -in, too, and we were heads up.

He proudly flipped over his two pair with the A8 and I flipped over my hand and the table went wild. He caught a full house on the river, but I already had the only hand that could beat him, and I said "Send it." and knocked his ass out.

How sweet it is! That night I came out on top. They'll be gunning for me next week. But it was a real boost to my confidence. I tried to make some adjustments to my style. I was at a low point.

I can't look. My world will crumble. I'm doing fine with my house of cards, one day at a time and yada yada. Just as long as I don't look.

Such a nice dream I had. Hope I can continue it tonight.

Sink softly with the night that swallows you.
No, none for me, thanks, I'm Mr. Weiner. And here's a story
of an otherwise distinguished gentleman.

I often wonder how long it takes the heart to find its place. I often consider all my previous mistakes. I'm a jolly good fellow with a belly full of wine! I think people laugh at me when I leave.

If I left, my cat would miss me. My neighbor Al, he doesn't know me. Our empty chats together are a point of pride. We talk about our lawns, sprinklers, street parking, etc. I wouldn't want to cut that routine. We sometimes just exchange greetings in the evenings with our briefcases.

"Greetings, Bill.
Greetings, Bob."

He must have divorced the step-mother of his daughter. She moved out. I think he's on better terms with his first wife; I notice her car more often. Some mornings I sip my coffee and spot another woman doing the walk of shame from his house. He works out. If I looked like him I'd wear a bandanna and a sleeveless shirt and do my sets near the stairmaster. I wonder what he's noticed about me.

He wanted me to go halfsies on a white fence. I'm not going to do it but next time I'll ask him about the materials and hardware stores.

I imagine he might say we can just paint the wood white, and then we can go from there

Sink softly with the night that swallows you.
No, none for me, thanks, I'm Mr. Weiner.

And here's a story
about an otherwise distinguished gentleman.

I often wonder how long it takes the heart to find its place. I often consider all my previous mistakes.

I'm a jolly good fellow with a belly full of wine! I think people laugh at me when I leave.

come together like butt cheeks
fuck this shit

should I pet it or something?

I don't know how to act around kids, babies, little kids, children. I don't know what to say to them. I'm at a complete loss.

I can't sleep at nights. No matter how early I wake up, if I make it through the evening, I'm restless in the early hours, or late. I read in the news recently about three young drunk kids who lost control in a car and smashed through a pizza parlour. I think they hit a gas line and blew up. I pass by the scene a few times a week. There's flowers and pictures and black stains on the wall and the store is boarded up. They had their tidbit on the daily news, and we all talked about it and asked if anyone knew them and weird questions like who's pizza shop that was and what were they driving. And some citizens were interested in why the kids were recent immigrants driving a 90 thousand dollar car. Days go by and people stop thinking about them, except for people like me. I first wondered what their families were doing right now. How are they spending their days? Are their famikies close or is there ill will and blaming? Did the kids die on impact or were they at some point aware that they were burning? If one was ejected, was there a moment that he was aware of it? If you're burning, how long before you stop feeeling it? I think it's unfair that some people have to experience these things, such horror I can't even imagine. What is it like to be aware of these -what is it, sensations? If your skin is melting off, it's your brain telling you that...what? I dunno man, WHAT THE Fuck! What if you could feel it for like 3 seconds, and then you would be all right. Just to know what it felt like. Prolly still wouldn't be able to recall and put the sensations in words. There's people who have been burned badly and lived. How can they possibly describe it? Having super powers to allow you to do things, like jumping off a bridge or groping your neighbor's wife and then waking up again like Groundhog Day. Being in a plane crash - BUT! what if before the plane crashes, you're thrown all over the plane and things are smashing into you, you lose a limb here but it's still hanging on or your intestines are falling out. No, a plane crash is still too risky even for a Groundhog Day life. (I imagine some pain is too unbearably at any cost). I would love to have that kind of life. Death obviously is not painful, but dying sucks. I was electrocuted once. Well, it was just a shock, when i had my hand on a socket in the bathroom, i forget how it happened. But it hurt, it felt like something just yanked my arm, but so hard that i felt it move up into the middle of my chest. But in that moment i wasnt thinking of what that sensation felt like. I was in it and thats all I could comprehend. I didnt know i was experiencing pain until the sensation was gone and i was thinking about it. So maybe if i was being electrcuted to death, i would not be aware that i am dying, and maybe would not be aware of the pain.

- Hey baby, you like chocolate?
- What the hell's that supposed to mean?
- Nevermind.
- ... Check.
- Check. So you got nice feet?
- I guess.
- Nice feet should be taken care of.
- Mine are.
- What do you use to soak -
- Raise.
- Raise? What could you have? Yeah, you know what you have: no rough patches, no unpleasant ridges, smooth, smooth - I'm all-in, baby!
- Can someone get this pervert outta here?

a tourist

Men of age, with cardigans and french berets,
have scrounged enough for a loaf of bread.
Their countenance -
once cultivated by a humble resoluteness -
has grown red with poverty and the weather.
And their wisdom has grown drowsy
and acquainted with the spirit of the city.

Stray dogs wander the streets with them,
and linger outside the produce store.
Men with arrogant suits and a respectable air pass by -
Their word and their name.
Boys long to be a Man of their Time.
The women go shopping.
The women want security.
Girls pass by -
I'm so fuckin lonely all the time!
I'd use her breasts to rest my head,
wake up and lick her face

...

I remember traveling by horse
with postage stamps and polaroids.
I remember when we wrote letters.

I remember searching
for the slightest inkling,
pondering the eternal question,
"What are you thinking?

The question of our lives,
the words of our time -
now I know.
Every hour I know.

i will return to you,
inevitably
my little nymph


if i could live in a room with no windows
and no door
if i could build a bombshelter
hidden from view
if i could be invisible

Nestled deep within
bundled down below
there at least
it can roam freely

Morning Glory

Drop off the kids
and drop some bombs.
Open up the flood-gates,
Here I comes!

There was some unpleasentness. I can never go back.

Homer vs. The Sanitation Commissioner

"No one wants to hear the ravings of a loud-mouth malcontent!"