I don't want to hurt you, baby.

I don't want to give you small-pox

or Malaria

Nah, Babe!

I want to wrap you in a tissue,

and keep you somewhere safe.

Then nibble on little bits of you

and ration you throughout the day.

I'd fight the Plague for you

and do battle with Life's ills;

I'd hide you in a bunker

while I took that Japanese hill.

If the enemy throws a grenade

I'll swallow it;

If he then chooses an atom bomb,

Baby, I'll diffuse it.

If your mother yells at you,

I'll secretly send her flowers;

and if she yells at me, too

I'll run under the covers

and cower with you.

And if there are Monsters under your bed,

I'll be on nightshift with my nightstick.

Anything you need, even a new bed:

Baby, we can go to IKEA together.