Loser, my ass! I'd love to see you put a bottle down like me.

images.

All the years I spent
Implanting it into my head.
I'll prolly never be free of it.
It'll never be free of me.

My world's crumbling around me
and I'm distracted.

I've been having difficulty lately distinguishing reality from dreams. I gotta start staying away from people. I don't know what I'm liable to say or do.

What was it, barking?

Sopranos S.4( best season) E.10

Where Chrissy gets high and sits on Adrianna's dog.

"She must have crawled underneath there for warmth."

Priceless!

Maybe your elves can build me a brain.

eatkhash

Had my vodka,
Had my khash,
Threw it all up,
Had a heart attack,
Did it all over again

Little Children

"you almost finished there? cause i'd really like to go on my walk."

I think it's going to be my new Magnolia.

chia pet

just soak your chia
spread the seed
and watch it grow

and now i'll give her a bonus gift
said the man

she said
now i can get him cuddly, again

baby,
can you order me an alarm clock
in the morning

I might not go to work today; it's wet outside. I like the gloom. I think I'll stay in and drink. Unless...you wanna snuggle.

I got the joy, joy, joy that's down in my heart, Where? Down in my heart!! (2008)

I remember when they killed her. I saw it on the news. Her body lay on the grass where she would have her lunch, with a boy who they said was a friend, but I suspect a teenage crush. Someone would wait for her everyday. Someone would dream of seeing her the next day. Her body lay, on the grass where she had her lunch, as her classmates ran past for fear of their lives.

I didn't know her. I just saw her picture later and thought she was cute.  People placed flowers on her car in the parking lot. It collected a lot of dust.

I mourned her death in my secret way.  I collected newspaper clippings and magazine articles, kept it stashed away for years. I went on AOL and tried to get close to those who had known her. I dreamed of visiting her grave in another state but I couldn't figure out why. She became an object for my affection; I didn't know any of her flaws.

I thought of being religious like her, but I was angry, and I suspect hate filled up in me. I hated everyone around me, with their petty bullshit. I fooled around with pipe bombs and CO2 canisters; I tried to live the disgruntled life of those who had killed her. I was playing a role I had heard about on the news...but no one seemed to want to bully me.

Over ten years passed; my teenage angst became so hollow. I rarely thought about her, but still kept the newspaper clippings stashed away. I didn't like to talk about it, as it felt like some weird fetish. It was like your family finding your porn collection or speed.

One drunken night in a sweet dream - I hadn't thought about her for years, and I guess this is why I'm writing this - I saw her walking to school from the parking lot with her friends. A guy had his arm around her and she was nonchalant and almost reluctant. She walked ahead, then turned back and put her head on his shoulder like a whiny teenage bitch, and it was so lovely. And that was all there was to it.

I don't know what to say about her. I almost loved her in my morbid but innocent way. It was easy - she was dead. And in my dreams, such adolescent times. Maybe she even smoked cigarettes on the sly with her friends.

Diary of a Madman

---
...but I'm a romantic,
the King of Spain!
And your dog,
he'll pass along
my lovesong.
----

Do you dream of me
When I dream of you?

I like to watch you sleep
( it makes me want to sleep)
I like to watch you sleep)
( it makes me want to sleep
I crawl on the floor
(Oh you're the face i want to see)
I crawl on the floor
(when the light is on)
I like to watch you sleep
(it makes me want to sleep)

A P.T. Anderson Picture

I would like to go see The Master again.

Life's way too interesting for my liking. I'm going to hide and get drunk in my underwear.

Sometimes I'm going about my day and hope my heart stops. I mean, it's possible. They're just organs at work. Anything at work is possible to just, umm stop. When I was younger I would wonder what kept the bottom of a car from just crashing down while driving. I can smell her on me.

Fresh bird's milk cake

If it was big enough I'd sleep in it!

time for a wholesome sober activity. ill eat my troubles away. eat until i sleep. all my teeth hurt. i have some good looking honey mustard pretzels ive been waiting to open. can't, too hard. i have some chinaman soups which are good, little shrimp dumplings. maybe some tea and a loaf of bread with cheeses and greens and things that end with cheese, some butter and caviar. tea with condensed milk and butter maybe. some cereal. ill let the apple jacks soak in the milk. the best part is always the milk at the end, any decent human being will tell you that. im not one of them- damn, kim bassinger sure likes doing a lot of sex scenes in her movies. i dont like sex scenes in movies. i usu. Fast forward thru them or look away. i read somewhere she had a fear of leaving the house or some anxiety. i wonder if it's from the sex scenes theyd want in her movies. i have some twix from halloween.

I saw this great scene from the movie Shutter Island, i should watch that movie next time i come across it. This one made me laugh. The dialogue in writing doesn't do the scene justice. You should just see Leo Dicaprio's face when the patient talks. Great scene all around. The guy that plays the psycho is great.

im not going to be too ceremonial about it....

... I'm baaackkkkk!

Chunti

Ey, you fools know where I can get a Dodgers cap? Gotta represent, yo.
So you wanna go out, or what?
Let me buy you a cheeseburger.
You fools watch Lucha Libre? I'm taping it.
You need an ID? My homeboy can hook you up.
She's like mad trippin, don't even trip yo, I ain't lookin to get busted.

im not going to lose any piece of myself just to pander to some Woman just so i can have sex with her like it'll be some prize. i say fuck that. like she's some prize. ive never met a woman who's a prize. they believe they are. but they are wrong. im a prize. a big, big prize. big, like big.

I'm going to make it after all!

so i told my doctor i felt a terrible strain on my back when I urinate...

- Knock Knock
- ( ... )
- Chickenbutt! Oh, wait...Guess What?
- ( ... )
- No, you suck!
- ( ... )
- Shut up... See, white people have names like Lenny, whereas black people -
- ( ... )
- You shut your mouth. Where I'm from you wouldn't last a day - ...Hey, let go of me! My two minutes aren't up, damn you. ...you guys are all hacks! You'll never forget the name...

Things aren't going too well. Blew out my knee again. Coach wants to put in the young rookie. Hope somebody clubs him at Club Verb. I'm up to my ass in alimony--her mother's still alive--and my next door neighbor's after me cause he thinks I banged his daughter. I mean, sooo what, if anything, I'm the victim.

Brotha Flava

We be sharp like them porcupines in the 610


Y'all bland like vanilla; I put the spices on 'em.
Y'all white like them bones, them bones. Gonna walk all over you.
You some sad stories, teardrop bitches. When I bet you be ghost.
You raskal-bound, like Q-Tip when he in the mire.
You sippin with your spiteful liver. Gonna get in the underground.
I'll put the cheese on you; make you my bird, feel me.
Them chickenheads around the block, I wears em out!

Man, you got clothes on!

Give me a beat, yo i be spittin truth:

The sky is big,
But not as big
baby as yo butt
its so big its so round
i wanna see you drop it down
like its hot
like its the bomb
when it hits the ground
the world goes:

round and round
uh!, feel me
( yo turn my mic up)
round and round
uh! feel me

song i heard in grade school

Baeball cards,
my baseball cards,
tell me every stat on a superstar
Collect em
trade em
stack em high
just keep on adding to my own supply
of baseball cards
my baseball cards...

Daryl Strawberry
with the Dodgers
"got em"
"got em"
"need em"
"got em"

my love for you is like melted ice cream
dried remains of choclate on my lips
that i occasionally lick
I like to leave it there throughout the day
and taste my sweet that stupid bitch
and so crumbles the unfortunate cookie
into scattered memories,
On a table,
At baskin robins.

iiiiii- sa topes!

I don't know if you heard, but in Europe Madrid just held Barca to a draw at Camp Nou, but that is only the beginning. On the condition that there must be a winner for the game to be shown in the States - La Liga also requested on their part, that American broadcasters must not act like they hate their job, must provide insightful commentary instead of reading useless facts, and must refrain from references to baseball - after the 90 minutes, ESPN held a "Primetime Sudden Death Soccer sponsored by Doritios Pow! Crunch into BBQ Ribs Flavor."

So there we are, Barca's piling on the pressure, the Real back line can hardly contain Messi outside of the box, he still manages to lay off the perfect pass slicing the defence, but the rest of Barca is on the ground inside the box - Buesquets just died... Oh wait - Marcelo, the diminuitive Brazilian intercepts the ball and half-back passes it to center, center holds it, holds it! then some other stuff happens and Ronaldo zooms past Mascherano and Adriano - Pique's distracted because he sees Shakira eating a chorizo with Eatkhash in the stands - reaches the ball and into the box and between Valdes' legs for the hat trick? No! the brilliant pass to an open Kaka, the lovable legend who's gradually become an afterthought on the Madrid bench...

And redemption!!!! And God loves Kaka.

in this episode of "The Nuts"

speaking of cards! So this one guy sits down next to me. He was a natural cooler - I hated that guy! My stack started dwindling and he was winning the hands that I should've won - although I can't recall if I would've played it the same way, he was just a calling machine with a couple bluffs that I wasn't in any position to out-bluff.

He relates an occasion of a funeral he recently attended, a friend who died at 40 from drinking. He fucked his liver irrefutably, I guess is the translation. I asked how many years and he goes on about there's ways of drinking and just drinking. Just tell me how many fuckin years he was drinking! I'm fuming inside, and I always have to piss when I'm nervous. But while I'm taking care of that, I tell myself, "Champions climb back up." A few hands later, luck keeps me in the game ( runner runner miracle), and then bam! I get pocket rockets. Short handed, I try not to chase them away, slightly raising. The wwek before my nerves were bad and I raised 16 times the pot. This game, I had been caught bluffing a few times and I hoped that was fresh on their minds. So I get two callers, one being my cooler. I hit my trips and hope no one noticed the twitch in my neck that felt like it shook my entire head. Both check to me, and I dont see any flush or straight danger on the flop so most likely I'll have the nuts all the way through, barring some runner runner catastrophe. They say only a donkey bets the nuts, but I thought if I checked, they would think I'm being sneaky so I took a risk and acted a donkey, a slight donkey. I think the first to act called my bet and the cooler went all in. I didn't have enough to just flat call him - or else it would be too obvious I was trying to invite the first guy in as well - so I went all -in, too, and we were heads up.

He proudly flipped over his two pair with the A8 and I flipped over my hand and the table went wild. He caught a full house on the river, but I already had the only hand that could beat him, and I said "Send it." and knocked his ass out.

How sweet it is! That night I came out on top. They'll be gunning for me next week. But it was a real boost to my confidence. I tried to make some adjustments to my style. I was at a low point.

I can't look. My world will crumble. I'm doing fine with my house of cards, one day at a time and yada yada. Just as long as I don't look.

Such a nice dream I had. Hope I can continue it tonight.

Sink softly with the night that swallows you.
No, none for me, thanks, I'm Mr. Weiner. And here's a story
of an otherwise distinguished gentleman.

I often wonder how long it takes the heart to find its place. I often consider all my previous mistakes. I'm a jolly good fellow with a belly full of wine! I think people laugh at me when I leave.

If I left, my cat would miss me. My neighbor Al, he doesn't know me. Our empty chats together are a point of pride. We talk about our lawns, sprinklers, street parking, etc. I wouldn't want to cut that routine. We sometimes just exchange greetings in the evenings with our briefcases.

"Greetings, Bill.
Greetings, Bob."

He must have divorced the step-mother of his daughter. She moved out. I think he's on better terms with his first wife; I notice her car more often. Some mornings I sip my coffee and spot another woman doing the walk of shame from his house. He works out. If I looked like him I'd wear a bandanna and a sleeveless shirt and do my sets near the stairmaster. I wonder what he's noticed about me.

He wanted me to go halfsies on a white fence. I'm not going to do it but next time I'll ask him about the materials and hardware stores.

I imagine he might say we can just paint the wood white, and then we can go from there

Sink softly with the night that swallows you.
No, none for me, thanks, I'm Mr. Weiner.

And here's a story
about an otherwise distinguished gentleman.

I often wonder how long it takes the heart to find its place. I often consider all my previous mistakes.

I'm a jolly good fellow with a belly full of wine! I think people laugh at me when I leave.

come together like butt cheeks
fuck this shit

should I pet it or something?

I don't know how to act around kids, babies, little kids, children. I don't know what to say to them. I'm at a complete loss.

I can't sleep at nights. No matter how early I wake up, if I make it through the evening, I'm restless in the early hours, or late. I read in the news recently about three young drunk kids who lost control in a car and smashed through a pizza parlour. I think they hit a gas line and blew up. I pass by the scene a few times a week. There's flowers and pictures and black stains on the wall and the store is boarded up. They had their tidbit on the daily news, and we all talked about it and asked if anyone knew them and weird questions like who's pizza shop that was and what were they driving. And some citizens were interested in why the kids were recent immigrants driving a 90 thousand dollar car. Days go by and people stop thinking about them, except for people like me. I first wondered what their families were doing right now. How are they spending their days? Are their famikies close or is there ill will and blaming? Did the kids die on impact or were they at some point aware that they were burning? If one was ejected, was there a moment that he was aware of it? If you're burning, how long before you stop feeeling it? I think it's unfair that some people have to experience these things, such horror I can't even imagine. What is it like to be aware of these -what is it, sensations? If your skin is melting off, it's your brain telling you that...what? I dunno man, WHAT THE Fuck! What if you could feel it for like 3 seconds, and then you would be all right. Just to know what it felt like. Prolly still wouldn't be able to recall and put the sensations in words. There's people who have been burned badly and lived. How can they possibly describe it? Having super powers to allow you to do things, like jumping off a bridge or groping your neighbor's wife and then waking up again like Groundhog Day. Being in a plane crash - BUT! what if before the plane crashes, you're thrown all over the plane and things are smashing into you, you lose a limb here but it's still hanging on or your intestines are falling out. No, a plane crash is still too risky even for a Groundhog Day life. (I imagine some pain is too unbearably at any cost). I would love to have that kind of life. Death obviously is not painful, but dying sucks. I was electrocuted once. Well, it was just a shock, when i had my hand on a socket in the bathroom, i forget how it happened. But it hurt, it felt like something just yanked my arm, but so hard that i felt it move up into the middle of my chest. But in that moment i wasnt thinking of what that sensation felt like. I was in it and thats all I could comprehend. I didnt know i was experiencing pain until the sensation was gone and i was thinking about it. So maybe if i was being electrcuted to death, i would not be aware that i am dying, and maybe would not be aware of the pain.

- Hey baby, you like chocolate?
- What the hell's that supposed to mean?
- Nevermind.
- ... Check.
- Check. So you got nice feet?
- I guess.
- Nice feet should be taken care of.
- Mine are.
- What do you use to soak -
- Raise.
- Raise? What could you have? Yeah, you know what you have: no rough patches, no unpleasant ridges, smooth, smooth - I'm all-in, baby!
- Can someone get this pervert outta here?

a tourist

Men of age, with cardigans and french berets,
have scrounged enough for a loaf of bread.
Their countenance -
once cultivated by a humble resoluteness -
has grown red with poverty and the weather.
And their wisdom has grown drowsy
and acquainted with the spirit of the city.

Stray dogs wander the streets with them,
and linger outside the produce store.
Men with arrogant suits and a respectable air pass by -
Their word and their name.
Boys long to be a Man of their Time.
The women go shopping.
The women want security.
Girls pass by -
I'm so fuckin lonely all the time!
I'd use her breasts to rest my head,
wake up and lick her face

...

I remember traveling by horse
with postage stamps and polaroids.
I remember when we wrote letters.

I remember searching
for the slightest inkling,
pondering the eternal question,
"What are you thinking?

The question of our lives,
the words of our time -
now I know.
Every hour I know.

i will return to you,
inevitably
my little nymph


if i could live in a room with no windows
and no door
if i could build a bombshelter
hidden from view
if i could be invisible

Nestled deep within
bundled down below
there at least
it can roam freely

Morning Glory

Drop off the kids
and drop some bombs.
Open up the flood-gates,
Here I comes!

There was some unpleasentness. I can never go back.

Homer vs. The Sanitation Commissioner

"No one wants to hear the ravings of a loud-mouth malcontent!"

Unnatural Sleep (2008)

I don't know if I slept. I don't know if I can take credit for the little vignettes my mind created. He was sitting there in the front seat, talking trash, and I in the back. Oddly, I thought I was driving. I didn't like the remarks he made about my shoes, because his were brown mountain hiking shoes and he said that's the way to go. His culture and mine, we think completely unlike. He wouldn't spend that much money on clothes and on cars- that is to say, on the brands that determine those prices. But he has a cozy home, probably invests in stocks, will teach his children the value of independence and earning your own dollar. He has visited the Grand Canyon and the Nation's Capital and Hearst Castel..and Virginia. I thought I would slyly steal the money from his wallet, I don't know how, but I could distinctly feel that the money would somehow be in my hand. I could take it and when I woke up he couldn't hold it against me. I opened my eyes, and I thought the same, that I need to do it, I'm going to do it. That's when I realized - my eyes were open and it hit me, that I was on my couch, the room was dark except for some buzz. My own buzz was basically useless and transitory. This time I knew it would be impossible; the only way was to sneak into his home maybe another day, like an ordinary robber. The impulse left me; even if I had succeeded in getting the cash, as much as I squeezed my eyes, the money would not materialize. So I closed my eyes again and I was into another vignette. I would be in the exact same state after my buzz as before, with only my sensations allowing me to stray from the normal state of things.

A city called Tombstone.

You shut your goddamn mouth.

Where Im from you wouldn't last a day.

He trash talks Jesus over a game of chess, he is...

"The Most Interesting Man in the World"

(that one's mine).

although my favorite one is, "His anecdotes have sub-plots."

Lines Composed Reading John Donne Remembering What's Been Done (2007)

His Mistress Going to Bed.

If, tis beneficial to one's health,
T'will make life longer -
then, you fuckin whore
you're going to live forever

XanaX (2008)

The best part was when we were driving across the bridge and I could see the roller-coaster park on the ocean. I had a fear of heights but I loved how high the ride would go.

I'm a kid again. I love to cuddle in bed with my blanket, and never leave. Like a cold morning before school, I just peed and ran back. My groove is warm. I never ever want to leave!

afterwards it didn't make sense, what happened to my bike? (2008)

I was waiting in my car for the girls to come out. I went to the back window where I could see into a room that was dark except for a light from the hall. I slid the window open because it was unlocked, and went in. I opened the drawer where the girls kept their underwear, and grabbed a handful of bra and panty. Pink ones with padding, I didn't like the padding, but the panties were soft and touched her skin. I stuffed the loot in my pants and ran out. I saw one of the girls walk out into the park, I guess to meet someone, and at that moment I drove away. I hoped they would not remember me waiting there in the evening.

School was getting out and we all walked across the street to the park. I was walking near a skinny black woman with frail gray hair and cheekbones, and I said, "Hey, mamma, you wanna to buy some underwear?" She smiled and said, "maybe, if they're cheap, like three dollars." I said I'd give her two for six dollars. She agreed and I took out the pink underwear from my pants. I was on my bike and she was sitting on the wooden bench. She took out from her purse a twenty and a single dollar. Before she could say anything, I said to give me the twenty and I could give her back change. She gave me the bill and I started to run away. I looked back to see what her face looked like and what she was saying, but everything was slow and I was afraid of her reaching me.

the son says to the father, "dad, let's run down that hill and fuck one of those cows."
the dad say, "no, son, let's walk, and fuck em all."

that's what im going to do, im going to fuck all them cows

I used to run with a tough crowd. Bicycle chains, nickles in socks, leather jackets - but no pants. We never wore pants. Now that I think about it, most of our conflicts came from our lack of trousers. I'm glad I left that life, because I realize how much time I wasted justifying my pantslessness.

I drink the beer
to dull me down
and dumb ny mind
take a slice
out of my insanity.
for my longing
for my mistress
Her, I crave.

She's the pit
of my stomach
during freefall