i'll never get to do the things i once thought i may someday decide to pursue...wait, shut up, i'm reminiscing, i'm being golden...

...i'm getting gentle—shut up! ...i'm thinking gentle things...golden things, 

im being a golden color... and now, looking back—i can do that, now, now that it's all laid out, the gist of it, the clockwork and impulses, the sickness and pleasure—when i was young, i guess,  i always felt like i had this constant problem that i couldn't never solve.  I never really thought much about the future, you see...

it always seems to catch me off guard

i'll never get to be deep.  I guess I always assumed I'd end up deep, I'm embarrassed to say...like that i would write books about animals, only they wouldn't be about animals

I'll never be able to write about love,

i'll probably never be a rock star, at this point,

not a businessman, not a hustler,

not even the sweet connotations of a fool, nor the wisdom of the mediocre

.            , my longest winter, my giddiest spring, my most melancholy of autumns" and...and my laziest summer

it started off well enough