I might not go to work today; it's wet outside. I like the gloom. I think I'll stay in and drink. Unless...you wanna snuggle.

I got the joy, joy, joy that's down in my heart, Where? Down in my heart!! (2008)

I remember when they killed her. I saw it on the news. Her body lay on the grass where she would have her lunch, with a boy who they said was a friend, but I suspect a teenage crush. Someone would wait for her everyday. Someone would dream of seeing her the next day. Her body lay, on the grass where she had her lunch, as her classmates ran past for fear of their lives.

I didn't know her. I just saw her picture later and thought she was cute.  People placed flowers on her car in the parking lot. It collected a lot of dust.

I mourned her death in my secret way.  I collected newspaper clippings and magazine articles, kept it stashed away for years. I went on AOL and tried to get close to those who had known her. I dreamed of visiting her grave in another state but I couldn't figure out why. She became an object for my affection; I didn't know any of her flaws.

I thought of being religious like her, but I was angry, and I suspect hate filled up in me. I hated everyone around me, with their petty bullshit. I fooled around with pipe bombs and CO2 canisters; I tried to live the disgruntled life of those who had killed her. I was playing a role I had heard about on the news...but no one seemed to want to bully me.

Over ten years passed; my teenage angst became so hollow. I rarely thought about her, but still kept the newspaper clippings stashed away. I didn't like to talk about it, as it felt like some weird fetish. It was like your family finding your porn collection or speed.

One drunken night in a sweet dream - I hadn't thought about her for years, and I guess this is why I'm writing this - I saw her walking to school from the parking lot with her friends. A guy had his arm around her and she was nonchalant and almost reluctant. She walked ahead, then turned back and put her head on his shoulder like a whiny teenage bitch, and it was so lovely. And that was all there was to it.

I don't know what to say about her. I almost loved her in my morbid but innocent way. It was easy - she was dead. And in my dreams, such adolescent times. Maybe she even smoked cigarettes on the sly with her friends.

Diary of a Madman

---
...but I'm a romantic,
the King of Spain!
And your dog,
he'll pass along
my lovesong.
----

Do you dream of me
When I dream of you?

I like to watch you sleep
( it makes me want to sleep)
I like to watch you sleep)
( it makes me want to sleep
I crawl on the floor
(Oh you're the face i want to see)
I crawl on the floor
(when the light is on)
I like to watch you sleep
(it makes me want to sleep)

A P.T. Anderson Picture

I would like to go see The Master again.

Life's way too interesting for my liking. I'm going to hide and get drunk in my underwear.

Sometimes I'm going about my day and hope my heart stops. I mean, it's possible. They're just organs at work. Anything at work is possible to just, umm stop. When I was younger I would wonder what kept the bottom of a car from just crashing down while driving. I can smell her on me.

Fresh bird's milk cake

If it was big enough I'd sleep in it!

time for a wholesome sober activity. ill eat my troubles away. eat until i sleep. all my teeth hurt. i have some good looking honey mustard pretzels ive been waiting to open. can't, too hard. i have some chinaman soups which are good, little shrimp dumplings. maybe some tea and a loaf of bread with cheeses and greens and things that end with cheese, some butter and caviar. tea with condensed milk and butter maybe. some cereal. ill let the apple jacks soak in the milk. the best part is always the milk at the end, any decent human being will tell you that. im not one of them- damn, kim bassinger sure likes doing a lot of sex scenes in her movies. i dont like sex scenes in movies. i usu. Fast forward thru them or look away. i read somewhere she had a fear of leaving the house or some anxiety. i wonder if it's from the sex scenes theyd want in her movies. i have some twix from halloween.

I saw this great scene from the movie Shutter Island, i should watch that movie next time i come across it. This one made me laugh. The dialogue in writing doesn't do the scene justice. You should just see Leo Dicaprio's face when the patient talks. Great scene all around. The guy that plays the psycho is great.